Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
