So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
