I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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