I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
