God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
