I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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