Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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