I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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