I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
