Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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