If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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