I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
