I wish I could teleport
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
