I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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