well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
