She is in my trunk
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
