i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
