Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
