I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
