Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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