i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
