Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
