it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
