hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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