i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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