im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
