What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
