when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize