real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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