im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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