im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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