well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
