The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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