Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize