Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
