happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
