If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
