If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
