I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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