If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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