So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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