who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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