totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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