I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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