I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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