It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
