Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
