imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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