the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
