sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
