so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Help. Why am I so naked?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
