matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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