I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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