ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
NoShamevember. You game?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
