so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
