mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
