Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
